‘Let go!’ Revelations while channeling Sisyphus

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It’s been almost a year since I last wrote a blog post.

I’ve been sitting here for hours, writing and deleting dozens of opening paragraphs in which I attempt to introduce the next chapter of my blogging life in some gentle, clever and uplifting guise. No introduction seems quite right, so I will be frank: I’m here to explore the topic of death, and more specifically, choosing to die.

Death has been an ongoing and overwhelming theme in my life that I have yet felt able to talk about freely (in public). I am ready to confront the presumption/fear that people aren’t ready to hear about or discuss this subject, and I’m going to do it anyway. I will preface with this: All of my internal explorations (and decisions) are ultimately filtered through a lens of love and compassion, and while I have no control over how this will be received or what it might bring up for others, it is my wish that this inspires the same.

I want to clarify that this is not a blog about desperation, loss of hope, or the injustices of being chronically ill, nor is it a stance on being pro or anti suicide; this is an experiment in being radically honest, with the hope that by sharing my personal truth’s, questions, and insights I will be opening up and creating a safe space for people to talk about and explore a subject that has been so demonized in our culture (and in most of our personal lives). This is my personal journey of delving into and discussing topics around death, suicide, survival, choice, suffering, chronic illness, self love, trauma, beliefs, social/cultural/familial conditioning and personal responsibility. I intend to spread this out over many posts because this is a blog, not a book.

Suicide has been a big part of my life since I was a child and for the majority of that time it was inextricably connected with fear, loneliness, self-hatred, and an overwhelming sense of guilt and being trapped. Over the past 2 ½ years, my relationship with myself and suffering has dramatically transformed, which in turn has allowed me to explore the idea of suicide from a place of curiosity, radical self love, and freedom.

One year ago, in the midst of a full-blown PTSD episode (flashbacks, sweating, uncontrollable sobbing, panic, terror, etc.) brought on by a sudden and unexpected threat of homelessness (due to illness relating things), it dawned on me that the source of my suffering was coming from the belief that I have no choice but to keep surviving NO MATTER WHAT. My life at this point had been almost entirely about survival and enduring what felt like unbearable and overwhelming suffering and sickness for over a year and a half straight (if you want to know more about my life situation, feel free to read my past blogs, or ask me questions directly). Out of nowhere, something miraculous happened: my sobbing ceased, a rush of calm came over my mind, the flashbacks dissolved and my body breathed. For the first time since I can remember (and maybe ever), I gave myself permission to STOP. I let go of this idea that I had to survive no matter how sick I was or what the circumstances may be. I hugged myself so sweetly and in the gentlest voice said out loud ‘I love you, you have done everything you possibly can to make your life livable, this is not your fault, and you NEVER have to endure the kind of suffering that you have gone through over the past few years ever again’. These words effortlessly fell from my mouth as though I was channeling something or someone else. It felt like what I imagine people are describing when they talk about ‘God love’. Right then and there I gave myself permission to die from a place of love if I so choose, and in that moment I felt completely free (which ironically made me WANT to live). The pressure and desperate attachment to surviving and ‘fixing’ my situation and health (especially while being homeless and sick) has caused me nothing but overwhelming stress and trauma. Just allowing the idea that ‘living is a CHOICE’ to sink in, relieved me in a way I that have never experienced. From that moment on I knew that no matter what happens, as long as I am making choices from a place of love (not acute desperation), everything in my life (and death) will be OK. Not easy, not free of suffering, but somehow OK.

I don’t know of one chronically ill person who has not thought about, considered, or currently is considering death as an option. And while suicide can be a tricky subject to talk about (for many reasons in which I will get into later), I see a glaring need for a safe space to talk about what might be the weightiest (yet least talked about) subject in some of our lives. Why should something so natural as thinking about or preparing for death in the midst of ongoing, unbearable physical/mental/emotional suffering (with no foreseeable end) be so taboo to talk about or explore?

Here’s part of the reason:  A lot of you reading this know that my ex girlfriend (who was chronically ill) killed herself two years ago. Everything leading up to and including her death was incredibly painful and traumatic. Her choice to end her life was coming from a place of extreme despair, unresolved trauma, lack of resources and isolation. While I completely understand and honor the choice she made to end her life, it’s not the kind of circumstances that I would personally support someone making that decision under (which leads to many other topics!). Unfortunately, her story is the typical association that comes to mind when people hear the word ‘suicide’. Unless someone is on their deathbed, in excruciating ‘physical’ pain, with a doctor declared ‘incurable’ illness, there is not a lot of validation, support or options for people wanting to end their own life, nor is there a place to discuss such things. I don’t know all of the components that need to be in place (personally or societally) to declare suicide legally or morally ‘okay’, but my hope is that we can start dismantling the negative associations we have around the concept of suicide.

Over the course of human history, I don’t believe people have ever experienced the kind of suffering that now exists while living with these invisible, complex and chronic illnesses. The physical and mental agony that accompanies living in this state is unlike any type of suffering I have heard of or seen before (until it happened to me). A friend (who has been bedridden for almost a decade) summed it up quite well while posting a fundraiser on behalf of a friend “I know of no other illness where people lose their functioning, social lives, the ability to care for themselves + their homes for years or decades, without the luxury of death”. That is just barely touching the surface of how these illnesses can and do affect people’s lives. And while all of our journeys, circumstances and manifestations of illness (and how we relate to it) are unique, there are many common threads, one of which I question every single day: HOW AND THE HELL ARE WE ALL SURVIVING THIS, AND WHAT IS KEEPING US GOING???

Part of the reason I have not written in almost a year is because I personally do not know how to answer that question, nor can I honestly say that I still want to be here. Don’t get me wrong, I have MANY wonderful blessings in my life. I still experience profound love and connection on a daily basis and I feel incredibly loved, seen and supported by all the people in my life (and myself) in a big way. I’m still moved to tears by beautiful things, take walks at dusk, and laugh so hard I double over…There is a big part of me that is still very much alive, but the reality is that the majority of my days are spent trying to make meaning of, surrender to, distract/rewire away from or fix what feels like unrelenting and unbearable suffering. What is becoming more and more apparent to me (which is a hard truth to swallow) is that the very thing that has kept me alive for so long (my super-human will power) has become a major source of my suffering. After doing nothing but incessantly willing myself in every possible way to ‘heal’, I am finally coming to accept that I have very little, if any control over my life situation and suffering. I understand that we all have a ‘choice’ (relatively) in how we respond to our circumstances, but there are some situations that are torturous, no matter what way you try to spin it. The one thing I do have a choice about is whether or not I decide to keep going, and while I still have not made a decision in one direction or the other, I have made several commitments:

  1. I will never make a rash decision while in a place of desperation.
  2. After hearing a friend say “the only thing that goes with us when we die is our habits” I feel VERY inspired to up my game on healing any unaddressed trauma, body shame, and self destructive habits that are still lurking in the shadows (or foreground).
  3. I will continue to exhaust any and all options (that will not cause further trauma or stress) to improve my quality of life, and the way I experience my suffering.
  4. If I do choose to transition on to whatever is next, I will only do so from a place of love. I will do it as responsibly and compassionately as possible in regards to myself and everyone else in my life, and I would like to leave behind something beautiful.
  5. There will be pizza, cookies, mexican food, a piano, a DJ, appropriate mind altering substances, paint, dancing, and lots of cuddles.

On that note, I will end this post. I hope that my sharing has provided comfort, struck a chord, or been inspiring in any way. If you have any comments, feedback, or prompts for future posts please do not hesitate to speak up!

Much love to you all,

Kelly  rsz_3rsz_fullsizerender_1

*Embodying the paradox* (the gift, and the antidote)

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In honor of the paradox (which I so love, and hate), I will speak to all that is within the world of Kelly.

Starting with this:                                                                                                   I truly believe that in some bigger picture, those of us dealing with invisible chronic illness are here to take the human race to the next level of evolution (if we are going to ascribe meaning to something, we might as well choose wisely). The epidemic of these particular struggles is forcing us as individuals, and as a collective to look at and heal all the deepest wounds within ourselves and the trauma that has been passed on for generations. This is not a fun job, nor is it something that anyone would consciously choose; It is a radical opportunity to bring light to, and love, all of the darkest places that most people don’t have access to.  I bow down in reverence to all of us on this journey.

A brief *uplifting* update:                                                                                    For a month now (pretty consistently) I have felt more at home in myself, and more at ease as a conscious-breathing being that inhabits this planet then I have in decades, or possibly in the entirety of my life. Sometimes the ‘when it rains it pours’ happens during a drought; a 30 day extension on my living situation+some reprieve in physical and mental symptoms (mainly from eliminating almost all treatments and supplements that cause ANY detox, and adding in a few crucial allies)+incredible support and abundant love =enough stability to hone in on the deepest parts of my being/experience that need attention and healing. With the aid of consistent brain retraining (taken from many modalities, and creating some of my own) my world has opened up in ways I wasn’t sure would be possible. I am playing music again, sleeping with blankets, dating, eating like a queen (with other humans!), wearing new clothes, going inside *a few* places, hugging the shit out of people, making art and processing physical and emotional triggers that would normally take me days or weeks to move through within a matter of minutes or hours. I have (quite suddenly) gained access to my intuitive ability to heal my trauma/wounds/lifelong patterns going all the way back to infancy… all the while reaching a level of self love, acceptance and compassion that feels- RADICAL.

I believe that taking this time for myself (away from the usual mad-scientist-guinea-pig approach to treatment) will eventually lead me to make the right decisions about what treatments to pursue. The desperate choices I have made from fear, obsessive research, and intellectualization have yet to yield many positive results, so it only seems logical to shift my paradigm around how to navigate this. And while I do not have all the answers of how to get well physically or how to be untouched by the extreme emotional tolls chronic illness takes, I have found a potent antidote to almost any opportunity/challenge that comes my way: Literally and genuinely— loving myself the way I would my own child, best friend, or lover.

AT THE SAME TIME:

I have become hesitant to speak of any progress made in regards to my health because of this ‘yet to be broken’ pattern of crashing (to varying degrees) the moment I believe my suffering from illness is OVER. Yet, every time I see improvements that last longer then a few days, it feels near impossible to suppress the blinding optimism in my core that miraculously (or not) has not been crushed by my life experiences. So many times I have called my family and friends telling them (or rather, yelling into the phone): I am getting well! It’s finally happening! I think I have suffered enough and it’s now my time to be well in this world!

Immediately I start devising a plan of how I can go back to work, support myself and dedicate my life to helping others who are traversing the land of chronic illness. I buy surfing gear, running shoes, a gym membership, drop my long-standing disability case and buy foods I will probably never eat. The possibility of my fullest potential expressing itself as an able-minded/able-bodied person is more than I can bear. I want to devour the world and all its offerings. I want to give back and give back and give back all the gifts I so treacherously mined. Then, one week passes….I am back, pain-stricken and on the floor, hopeless, unable to move, with a mountain of defeat (and now shame, debt, and food I will never eat) pinning me down. This scenario feels akin to my years of futile attempts at sobriety; getting a week or two under my belt, announcing to the world my reclaimed life, only to relapse the day after.

Side note- I DID end up getting sober, amongst surviving/breaking out of seemingly hopeless situations and patterns. This blinding optimism and relentless perseverance might yield a miracle. ***cautiously optimistic***

This particular pattern has played out more times than I can count, and it does not show up solely in the realm of physical health, or sobriety, it shows up everywhere within everything. This pattern brings up the very essence of what it means (for me) to be human… this clinging… this grasping to any clarity, to any glimpse of health… this inability to live in the mystery… this desperate search for ground. THIS is what seems to be the ultimate dance of holding on to hope while simultaneously being schooled in the world of surrender. And after years of not understanding the question that was begging to be asked (or lived) I have finally been lead to:

How can I open up fully to any and every situation without getting attached to an outcome? How can I use every opportunity and challenge as a way to deepen my love for myself, for the people around me, and for the world I live in without a conditional clause?                                                                          

As many of you know, it’s quite a skill to navigate moving forward in life using opposing strategies simultaneously (but what other choice do we have?):

  • surrender/action
  • faith/will
  • acceptance/hope
  • gratitude/grief

[Braaavooo my evolutionary team]

What I see happening for those of us with chronic illness is just different flavors of the same theme playing out. It seems as though we are all here to master this art of embodying the paradox. I am not sure it is something that one ever truly masters, but it is something we are all forced to (whether we like it or not) get better and better at navigating.

*The golden lining*                                                                                               A mind/body that is physiologically out of balance, (or a life filled with emotionally devastating obstacles completely out of ones control) takes a hell of a lot more depth to evolve, which in my opinion makes it all the more potent. It’s only logical in the grand scheme of things that such ‘out of balance’ physiology or life circumstances forces one to learn the mastery of adaptation, which so beautifully (and painfully) leads us directly to our own personal genius. Up until recently I could not justify or make meaning of what I consider to be ‘experiencing the fullest expression of my own personal hell’. Then it hit me:

While eating dinner in someone’s apartment (for the first time in years) I had a moment of awakening to a gratitude so profound that I believe my soul has been branded permanently, like a fossil. Something as ‘mundane’ as eating dinner inside with another human being felt like the most precious intimate moment of my life. I stopped, closed my eyes and imprinted this awareness into my core, and since then, I access this awareness many times throughout all my days. At any moment, I can contrast my life now to my life a year ago and fully embody the ABSOLUTE FUCKING MIRACLE that my life is. Every little convenience, every intimate encounter, every moment that I am not fighting for my survival in isolation is a gift and a love beyond what words could ever express.

And now, the biggest motivation in my life is to be well enough to help other people. What’s the point of a gift that can’t be given away?

Love to you all!!

My happy face:

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The untold teachings: Even the drunk Buddha ‘desires’

457435_10150736870277975_471420933_oI was hoping this long overdue blog post would be sparked by an overflow of creative energy, but I suppose there is nothing wrong with appropriate frustration being a catalyst, so long as it’s channeled in an effective way. And while it is impossible for anyone to understand the challenges that one faces while living with chronic illness, I think it is important to bring attention to the repercussions from some of the unconscious/semiconscious societal beliefs (especially within ‘new-age spirituality’) that are backhandedly implicating that people with chronic illness are in some way, shape or form sick because they are ‘choosing’ to be. I too would like to take some responsibility for falling in and out of this pattern.

So often I have found myself thinking….

‘If only I was more in alignment with the universe, if only I resolved ALL of my trauma… if I had a better attitude, tried harder, committed more to brain retraining, understood my bodies signals, ate better, was nicer, changed my energetic frequency, moved somewhere cleaner,  devoted myself to helping others... on and on and on the list goes. This constant feeling of not living up to my ‘potential’, depending on others financially, and experiencing the darkest corners of what it is to be a human leaves me perpetually feeling like there is something deeply wrong with ‘me’ as a person. There is an ever-present unspoken suspicion that: THIS IS MY FAULT.

A brief story:

In April of this year I suddenly started to rapidly progress both physically and mentally over a period of a few months. I started surfing again, playing music, socializing and feeling joy (all HUGE milestones). Everyday things that had previously felt like moving a mountain were suddenly coming with ease. I was sobbing with gratitude on almost a daily basis while envisioning/seeing myself fully healed. I didn’t know if I was improving because of the protocol I was on, or simply because I was consciously choosing to focus my life around joy and connection. Regardless of why I was improving, I finally put down my guard and believed wholeheartedly ‘I am getting well’. And while I am ashamed to admit it, during this period of rapid transformation not only did my ego start taking a lot of credit, but I also started to view others who were still sick as being stuck (consciously or unconsciously) in some kind of negative energetic/emotional vortex that was keeping them from getting well. I thought to myself “If only they could see that they are in a self perpetuating cycle of illness…. If only they could see that their attitudes, choices and thoughts are keeping them sick… if only they could step out of fear mode…retrain their brain…get on the ‘right’ protocol, if only… if only … if only”

[Oh how I must LOVE big humbling slaps in the face]

Over a period of weeks (without changing anything) I started to backslide hard and fast. I kept thinking of that story where the neuroscientist (Jill Bolte Taylor) had a stroke and watched her mind unravel from a first person perspective. On some level she knew exactly what was happening, yet had absolutely no control over the loss of many functions in her brain (especially those in which she excelled in). Not only did all of my physical symptoms come back, but I also felt like an incredibly sane, grounded observer trapped in a brain AND body experiencing a dissociative/depressive/psychotic break. There was no lack of trying, or tools left unused (EFT, Hypnosis, self soothing, brain retraining, energy healing, connecting with people, praying, … and of course any medical treatment I saw fit) and yet I continued to get sicker on every level. It became apparent that my constant attempt to ‘will myself’ out of this hole was not working, and in a moment of complete surrender and defeat, it hit me:

This experience has NOTHING to do with effort, intelligence, resources or will. This has nothing to do with self-love, empowerment or the choices I am making. THIS ILLNESS (AND SUFFERING) IS NOT MY FAULT.

Because people with these illnesses (lyme, mold, ME, MCS, etc) are desperate for answers (and cures), and because these illnesses are far from being legitimately recognized by the medical establishment, we have become the perfect target market for deeming ourselves and being deemed as ‘spiritually/energetically ill’. And while I personally choose to look through the lens of this being a spiritual journey I am letting go of the idea that spirituality (or frame of mind) is the cause, or the solution. And while I recognize that attitude, and points of focus are crucially important to my healing process, I am letting go of any guilt or shame I have placed on myself for all the times I have been unable to choose ‘light and love’ in the midst of profound hopelessness and fear.

With that said, I want to talk about some problems that may arise from people failing to recognize that their health (mental and physical) and ability to pursue certain spiritual beliefs/paths is a privilege:

I don’t think there is malicious or passive/aggressive intent when people make suggestions or talk about things like: the power of manifestation, repairing DNA with intention, or even the idea that suffering comes from attachment to the ego, and by meditating and not identifying with the ‘I AM’, my experience of suffering could or would profoundly change. I am all for hearing about different modalities of healing, belief systems, or any information about what has worked for others, but when you offer a path as absolute, you also imply that the path I am currently on is ‘wrong’. I want to get this message across: Unless you have had everything you care about stripped away from you without your permission (brain, body, identity, possessions, talents, family, social life, basic human needs) and kept away from you, please do not offer any unsolicited advice about healing illness or shifting perspective. And while it is comforting to relate to one another, the truth is that no one (including those who are sick, or who have been sick) can truly know anyone else’s experience or path out of suffering. The best thing we offer each other is validation for individual truth, and the trust that different paths can be headed in the same direction.

I will end this with some ponderings that might be useful for anyone pursuing a spiritual path:

  • How much room is there when it comes making ‘choices’ or experiencing (and responding to) emotions when physiology is severely compromised (in particular: the brain, nervous system, hormones and nutrient status)? Is it possible to be experiencing all of this and not identify with or get caught up in the suffering?
  • If being sick has to do with being out of alignment (energetically, emotionally, spiritually) than what does that mean for kids with autism, and people starving in poverty ridden countries?
  • What lessons would Jesus and Buddha (or any ‘enlightened being’) be teaching had their bodies been riddled with infection, inflammation and neurotoxic substances? Would there be a different brand of ‘enlightenment’ had their basic needs been compromised, on top of experiencing an ongoing physiological shit storm comparable (and actually equivalent) to being perpetually drugged with mind/body altering substances?
  • How can we pursue a spiritual path (focused on the ‘self’ or ‘nonself’) while simultaneously addressing the profound systemic injustice happening in regards to privilege?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for reading!

genius is…. (eyes adjusting in the dark)

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“There is no essential difference between what we call a genius, and everybody else except that the so-called genius finds the correct method of using himself” Moshe Feldenkrais

for blog  Goooodbyyeee deserrrtt!!! (it hasn’t been fun)

I haven’t written a blog since September because I did not want to publicly share what I often experienced as ‘insanity’ in the midst of the insanity. I wanted to wait until I made it to the other side, or until some solid center emerged from this; Apparently that solid may never form, so I will continue to share my multidimensional fluid perspective as is. Since there is no ‘end point’ or ‘answer’ to finding peace (physically or emotionally) while living with chronic illness, I will keep on writing about my experience in the midst of my experience (that is all we (I) ever have anyway, right?). And though I feel twinges of regret, embarrassment, and the urge to ‘delete, delete, delete’ every time I publish a blog, I do know that what I am going through can not be for nothing. And for the sake of my own survival and for the sake of finding purpose in all of this, I have to make this ‘not nothing’.

When I was younger, I developed an affinity for the number line: -3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3….It made me think of the human experience, the capacity to hold, and how all of our ZEROS are relative. So many times in my life I have gotten to the point where I think ‘I’ve hit bottom. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY ANYTHING COULD GET WORSE THAN THIS’, yet I have continued to hit different ‘bottoms’, and continued to reach and experience farther down that number line than I ever thought was humanly possible. Fortunately, some part of me has always suspected that the capacity to hold or ‘be’ does not just go in one direction and if that indeed is true, then the past year of my life qualifies me for some ‘BIG-ASS-PURPOSE’ here on earth, during this lifetime. I am starting to understand that not only are our ZEROS relative, but there are an infinite number of number lines, there is no bottom, this ‘experience’ is certainly not a linear progression, and there are ways to get from -67 to 22 without passing all the numbers in between.

A quick view/explanation (from one perspective) if you do not know my situation:

I have been (mostly and literally) isolated for ten months, homeless, very ill, and living outside and in the middle of no where(s) for most of that time (due to health issues). I lost EVERYTHING I have ever owned, my most recent ex committed suicide 6 months ago (because she was also sick), I am working with very challenging chronic physical symptoms (from lyme, biotoxin illness, ankylosing spondylitis, connective tissue disease, MCS, etc and does it really even matter?) and I react to mold and chemical toxins to the point where it is near impossible for me to live inside (or outside for that matter), be around people, or acquire belongings such as clothes, a bed, blankets (etc) without having severe reactions to ‘the stuff’ that’s on them. Not to mention, I am reacting to these things coming out of my body in the same way I react to them coming in… there seems to be no escape. I have driven all over the country looking for safe places to sleep, replaced all my possessions (which is not much) several times due to contamination, seen many practitioners, tried a gazzilion treatments, and have done everything I possibly can to find some kind of relief from the ongoing chronic symptoms and the constant reactions to things in my environment. The reactions I have are NOT AN ALLERGY, they are systemic, neurological and excruciating (hence the extreme attempt to get away from things causing this). I currently sleep with tin foil blankets (or none at all), I wear a respirator in the house I am temporarily staying in, do not own a towel, wash my hair with a hose, am getting very good at being cold (and very innovative to solve the weirdest problems!), and every night I choose where to sleep based on what symptoms I prefer to have over others (which usually involves me on the floor curled up by a space heater).

On another note: I am seeking ways to work with my reactions from the inside out, re-wiring my brain and body instead of making my life solely about controlling my environment. It became clear to me that isolation, fear and stress were not getting me the life I want (or well physically), so I changed courses. THIS HAS NOT BEEN EASY. I just recently chose to come back into society to be around friends and family three weeks ago. I hangout outside with people, go for walks, write, dance for small periods, am determined to get a wetsuit and get into the ocean and I also do Feldenkrais (my new love and passion). Otherwise put: Alongside the difficult challenges I am facing physically and with finding a safe (enough) place to live, I am finding ways to bring joy and connection into my life anyway I can, because that is the one thing I am sure of that needs to be in place for me to heal.

Now onto the very shortened recap of the last ten months of mold avoidance:

I am going to be really honest here, because there is no benefit in my withholding, and there is no doubt in my mind that some of you reading this will benefit from my vulnerability. Without the details, here goes:

Under certain circumstances, especially involving basic needs compromised coupled with isolation and illness that much resembles military torture tactics: Anyone and everyone (no matter how ‘grounded’ or ‘together’ they are) will become undone.

For those of you who know me, you know that before I got sick, my path had not been an easy one. I worked excruciatingly hard to transform my life by spending four years (ages 25-29) in a one of kind women’s apprenticeship/recovery program doing intensive transformational growth and recovery work. This included trauma work, codependency work, addiction recovery, shadow work, learning leadership skills, facilitating classes, living in community, STEPPING UP and working through resistance on all levels, constantly. All of that to recover from a decade of drug addiction, eating disorders, trauma (of various sorts) and an overall lifelong pattern of despair, terror, self-hatred and destruction. Going through this program completely transformed my life and helped me build what apparently is an unbreakable foundation. I am ever grateful for doing ‘the work’ and learning to love myself, because without that in place, I know I would not still be here with the current situation at hand. Ironically, the house in which I ‘recovered’ from all of this in was filled with mold and is where my health took a turn for the world of Sci-Fi meets Horror (which honestly, I am trying to turn into a heroine’s journey/documentary where I end up on stage giving TED talks, having a career helping others, living on the beach, and making chocolate for farmers markets). I was already sick before beginning this program, but the mold created a tipping point that I have yet to come back from. The irony of this all continually astounds me, yet does not surprise me in the least.

I have spent the past 10 months navigating emotional and physical territory that I would have not thought was livable for more than a few days, or possibly a few weeks, at most. For one reason or another (karma? bad decision maker? crazyskilled manifestor? genetically impaired? cursed? next ascended master? None of the above?) my life and experiences over the past year have been something I continuously thought I was not going to make it out of. And while I do not like to consider myself a martyr, I have hung on many times from the sheer perspective that what I am going through might benefit humanity in some way or another.  I became quite innovative in ways to shift my perspective, but there still has reached a point every single day lasting minutes or hours (sometimes weeks) where I feel or say to myself with utmost certainty ‘I can not do this anymore’ and I REALLY mean it.

My life has largely been an ongoing OCD/PTSD survival game (and what has felt much of the time like what I imagine a prison torture camp to be like). These past ten months have made my experiences with heroin addiction look like a privilege to be enduring (speaking of ZEROS being relative). This is not to say that every moment of this has been purely traumatic, nor am I saying that I am the only one going through this OR that this is the only way to experience these circumstances (there are thousands of people in similar situations, and we are all in our own way SERIOUS BAD-ASSES for waking up every morning and continuing on). This journey has facilitated immense growth and opened me up to receive incredible miracles, support and insight that in no other circumstance could have provided.

And after many months alone, with nothing to do but lay on a cot, and attempt to take care of basic survival needs, there is no doubt in my core that the patterns and habits I have created (over a lifetime) or that have evolved or come to be inside of myself (subconsciously or consciously, biologically and emotionally) are the reasons I am in this situation with this particular dis-ease. It is no coincidence that certain themes of life challenges keep popping up over and over and over again for me to look at, and at the final stage they have manifested themselves physically. All of what I am speaking to is much more complex than ‘chicken or egg’ ‘empowered vs. victim’ ‘manifestation vs. shit just happening’ concepts. I hesitate to even begin speaking about anything involving the words ‘victim’, ‘empowerment’ or ‘privilege’ (because that would be a book, not a blog). What I can do is solidly say: I am doing my damned best to take responsibility for all that I can. My personal ‘genius’ is constantly evolving (finding the most effective ways of using myself and the most effective paths for any given situation), and at my personal best I can take a step back and laugh at the cleverness of all that the universe and I have co-created for myself.

A big breakthrough for me:

If I turn the problem I am solving into “how can I get to a point in my life where I can help others?” instead of “how can I end my suffering?” than taking my own life does not solve ‘the problem’. An added bonus of changing motivation is that through reaching my goal of ‘getting to the point of helping others’, my ‘problem of suffering’ will most likely be solved (through the back door). 

And when I quiet my fear and ‘desperation to find comfort in the excruciating’; When I am able to see beyond the incessant compulsion for relief from this dis-ease and all of its implications; When I grasp the importance of what one persons experience can be for the world, I can hear and feel myself speak back in a loving and loud voice:            ‘You my dear, are carving a very important path, and to give up now would be a detriment to the human race.’

(Grandiose? Maybe. But honestly, If it keeps me going, who cares whether I am right or not.)

Love to you all, thank you for reading, yours truly,

Kelly

forblog2

Mud, a llama and the inevitable ‘shouting’

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Escalante, UTescalante

In all honesty.. It has become embarrassing for me to write publicly over the past few weeks (hence the pause in my blog posts). It is very apparent that my mental/cognitive/communicating abilities have been seriously diminishing over the past month. This is not only extremely frustrating (and devastating) but very obviously tied to the status of my health (neurological problems and cognitive decline have been much more present). Luckily, there is still part of my brain that is aware enough to know and pick up on these signs. A few weeks ago I noticed that I was leaving out large gaps of words in sentences while writing, my spelling became more horrendous than usual, letters look ‘weird’,  and more and more I have to read a sentence over about five times before comprehending what it means. Sad to say: I feel trapped inside a brain and body working at about 1/20th of its potential, so the idea of trying to articulate the gravity of this feels like moving a mountain while I can barely lift a finger.

Today, (with mostly my anger giving me any kind of drive) I decided I am going to try and write anyway, no matter how long it takes.. no matter how many times I have to go back and correct myself or add words I left out, no matter how un-articulate my writing feels.. because the experiences I have had as of late, though not especially ‘uplifting’, are still worth expressing. AND regardless of the fact that my brain ‘feels like’ it has been turned into worthless mush…I’ll be damned if I let this dis-ease quiet me.

Thus far I have prided myself and my blog on being quite the example of honesty, vulnerability, and empowerment and as much as I want to write and tell the world that my optimism, spiritual insights, and ability to surrender into terrifying and unpleasant moments (days, and months) has healed me… it hasn’t. The honest truth is that I have been getting sicker and sicker and on almost a daily basis I am experiencing what feels like ‘an alien life force’ taking over my body, mind and soul (for those of you who are living with a body inhabited by Lyme, parasites, co-infections and/or mycotoxins, you know EXACTLY what I mean when I talk about feeling ‘possessed’). Every day I have moments (that become hours) where I am shocked with sudden perspective about the reality of my life. I remember what my life used to be like: the conveniences I used to have, the abilities I took for granted, the comforts I didn’t even think twice about… and BAM! Here I am laying on an uncomfortable foam pad, trapped in my truck (which is now my home) because its raining, cold because my warm clothes got contaminated, trying to figure out how and the hell not to let any water in to prevent mold, too weak to move, heart pounding, in the middle of nowhere Utah, and I think to myself: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO MY LIFE??? Sometimes I actually laugh out loud because this is INSANE. And while this is all happening, for what ever reason..I am not giving up, I am still doing my best to keep a positive attitude, I am doing whatever I can to cultivate the observer within me so that I can ‘witness’ what is happening, rather than being swept up and swallowed whole by the poisoning within and outside of my body. With that said, I still believe I am going to heal from this, I still believe that my ‘experience of this experience’ is of the utmost importance to work with, I still believe that my healing can and might be miraculous, and I still believe that whatever the hell this is… it’s not for nothing, it can’t be. (this has got to be some kind of initiation, right!?) Like a faint flashlight in the distance, I see ME (whole and untouched), and I am DETERMINED to dig myself out of this, no matter what it takes.

Now onto the subject!

Here is my luxurious ‘home’ luxurioushomenewhome

(can I get a megaphone up in here!?)

In my previous posts I have talked a lot about coming out of the ‘victim mentality’ (which I still feel is incredibly important for anyone on this journey), but after spending the last month in what I can honestly say feels much like a sci-fi horror film, I can’t help but change gears a bit in the subject/tone of my post: I now think it is necessary to talk about (hopefully with tact and clarity) the incredible injustice and neglect that has become so glaringly obvious to me as of lately (in regards to living with this type of illness). For a while I felt like I could do this all by myself (not that I had any other option really)…. I thought my optimism and perspective on this being ‘some kind of vision quest’ could on its own carry me right out of this hellish dis-ease…. sadly, I was wrong, and I am not afraid to admit that I was wrong (I gave it, and am still giving it EVERYTHING I’VE GOT). The insights I have gained and the lessons I continually learn from this experience are invaluable, but I am not ashamed to say now: I need some help ( and I have started a fundraiser to do so!) . I am also not ashamed nor do I feel like I am being a victim when I state: There is some serious neglect and injustice being done in everyone’s life who suffers from these illnesses, and something needs to be done about it. I do not think I am wrong to speak for us all and say: WE (anyone suffering with ‘invisible illnesses’ Lyme, biotoxin illness, CFS, MCS, ME, etc) NEED HELP. We need funding, THIS needs research, we need validation, we need our families to have our backs, WE NEED SAFE HOUSING, we deserve caretakers and helpers, and we need more of the world to be educated about what the hell is going on!

How on earth is it possible that SO MANY PEOPLE are living sick and outcast in some post-apocalyptic reality while hardly anyone is looking into what the hell is going on??? Thousands upon thousands of people are struggling with these invisible illness’s…Most of us being left to our own devices, homeless, completely ignored, misunderstood, and abandoned by friends and family because of ignorance and the consensus/diagnosis by main stream doctors (and family members) being: hypochondria, hysteria, psychosis, somatoform disorder, stress, or anxiety (occasionally we get some autoimmune diagnoses that maybe gets some validation, but hardly explains the entirety of the picture). Someone please tell me: How is it possible that so many people could possibly be experiencing the same hypochondria? The same chronic debilitating pain and fatigue? The same hypersensitivity? The same brain decline? The same MADNESS?!

How is it possible that these illnesses are still being neglected?

I sit and think about people going on with their daily lives (sitting in their houses, going into buildings, buying items without fear that they will react to it or be poisoned, using their ‘intact’ brains and bodies, going to work, socializing, celebrating, hiking, walking, fighting over and worrying about STUPID SHIT, hugging, cuddling, sleeping on a bed!), and I just can’t wrap my head around the distance and difference between my life and theirs. I just can’t come to peace around the fact that if this were ‘cancer’ or any other well known ‘legitimate’ disease, I (we) would be completely supported, taken care of, safely housed and surrounded by friends and family for good. I will spare the rant on the absurdity of ‘most’ allopathic doctor’s denial around what is happening…. but my god, this just gets more surreal by the day!

Side note: I am fully aware that comparing my life to the lives of others does not do me any good at this point, but for the sake of being honest.. it is really hard to ‘not go there’ sometimes. I also understand that if I were on the other side of this, MAYBE I would not be as understanding or determined to ‘fix’ or ‘help’ someone who is in my situation as I think I would be. There are also many people in this world including doctors, (who are not sick with this) who do care, who do believe, and who are advocating for me and for everyone who is going through this and I want to say: I am so incredibly grateful for those people (so many of my friends included). I just wish the awareness and funding around solving some of these serious issues was at more of a forefront, instead of a distant conspiracy denied by the masses.

So where to go from here?

Sadly I think it is going to be up to ‘US’ to figure out most of this for ourselves. It is my dream to create and run a safe utopia for people who are going through this, unfortunately I am going to need to make a lot of headway in my own recovery first before I even begin to dabble in how to make that happen (if I could only go into casinos without getting sick, I could raise enough money from hussling in card rooms to build this oasis). There has been a lot of talk in the Biotoxin communities around creating such a place, but the problem lies in the fact that we are all seriously ill, our brains don’t work quite like they used to, we have limited energy reserves and are all going broke trying to save ourselves. One can only hope that the right people with the right resources are going to come together very soon in order to make safe housing, affordable care and treatment possible.

We are the pioneers in this crazy epidemic, which (whether we like it or not) puts quite the load of responsibility on us to start figuring out how we can possibly live and navigate life with this illness. We have to advocate for ourselves and for each other, and do whatever it takes to find some sort of peace (let alone get our basic needs met). I can honestly say that the compassion, connection and support that has come from other people living with this is a huge part of what keeps me going, everyday. We are seriously special people, and the giganticness of our hearts (as a result of what happens when you are sick from this) is what is going to carry us through… not to mention we all seem to be exceptionally smart and determined! So lets continue to join forces and keep trekking on, one foot at a time, one step after the other, and there has has got to be some light at the end of this tunnel. ❤

And with that I will end this rant.

Last but not least!  As some of you already know, I have started a fundraiser to help me get some of my basic needs met and also to afford some much needed medical care. If you want to support me by donating (any amount is truly helpful and appreciated!) or by sharing my fundraiser on Facebook or with friends, I would be forever grateful.

https://www.youcaring.com/mypostapocalypticlife

Thank you and love to you all

Here is my llama friend llamafriend

Attempts to speak clearly (while underwater)…and the letting go.

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My intention in writing this blog has been to (hopefully, if even on the most micro of levels) help shift the ohhh-so-often all consuming lens of fear and despair that most people with these ‘dis-eases’ are seeing and moving through life within. If I can be the tiniest seed of inspiration, or catalyze the tiniest shift in the way someone might be experiencing the absolute absurdity and terror that comes along with suffering from ‘this’, that is really all I could hope for. In all honesty, I have been hesitant to write anything since my last blog post. My insatiable will to live and ability to connect with and speak from the part of me that is ALWAYS WHOLE AND COMPLETELY UNTOUCHED, has been (unfortunately) somewhat compromised. The fear, anger, loss and complete break down of my body has sadly been overriding my miraculous transformation that was (and hopefully still is) fueling my ability to connect with the strength and stability beyond any physiological processes… the kind that would usually result in a state of utter hopelessness and dread. Also, trying to process the death of one the dearest people in my life, while getting sicker and trying to figure out survival type issues has been quite difficult. (not to mention, feeling like I owe it to Heather, to not give up.. EVER)

I am hanging on with everything I have to the idea that these “doubtful moments” are all part of the process, that I have indeed not lost the strength and will to get through this (perhaps even ‘thrive’ through this) just because I have had one hell of a week filled with moments where I felt like ‘I can’t go on, period’.

I have been writing this blog for almost two months now with the genuine belief that there is hope, not only to get better physically, but hope that I (we) can experience and walk through ‘this’ without being consumed or guided solely by the fear and panic that is inextricably associated with these illnesses. At times I feel that my ‘purpose’ in life may very well be to transform my relationship with how I experience ‘this’ and to also explore the possibilities that exist around healing-creating new paths of recovery that some may deem ‘impossible’.

The truth is:

As I am writing this, I literally feel and see this little itty being deep inside of me that is so desperate to communicate some semblance of clarity, this being that so badly wants to express this experience without it being muddled by the 3 foot layer of solid muck: headachy-toxic-brainfoggy-terror ridden-short circuited-energy depleted-painful painful –VIBRATING lead body- running out of life force- MUCK…. As I write this, I am crying because I know: I AM STILL IN HERE! I can feel that part of me that is so vibrant and so clear, and it devastates me (all too often) because it feels so far away, out of reach… like a distant ghost. However, I refuse to give up on myself, I can not let these physiological and external factors rob my spirit of its truth and vitality, yet at the same time, it is incredibly exhausting giving every bit of my ‘tiny reserve of energy’ attempting to stay in contact with what’s left of ME.

This whole concept of ‘ME now’ is something I am continuously learning to come into acceptance with. Every day I am having to let go of aspects of the old ME: The girl who could beat ALL the boys in every sport (or game) usually dominated by ‘the males’ ME: The quick witted-class clown who easily entertained entire rooms of people. ME: The girl who painted in 20-hour increments, only stopping (maybe) once or twice to pee. ME: The girl who read books like ‘a tour of the calculus’ for fun. Me: The athlete Me: The piano whiz Me: The chess master Me: The social butterfly ME: the poker shark Me: The gifted Me: The CAPABLE. ME: The girl who could do anything she put her mind to.

However, I feel it’s important to mention: There was a whole other side of Me’s that seemed inextricably connected to all of my ‘gifts’ (that are currently jeopardized from this dis-ease), Me’s that sabotaged any joy or contentment that may have come from having such qualities to begin with. I may have been (unknowingly) extremely capable, intelligent and unrelenting (and obsessive) in my pursuits to become masterful, but in all honesty, I was terribly uncomfortable inside my own skin, had no idea how gifted I was, and did ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO ESCAPE.

ME: The girl who starved herself in attempts to quiet EVERYTHING. Me: The girl who NEVER felt she was good enough, pretty enough, capable enough or worthy enough. ME: The girl who was TERRIFIED of her own mind. ME: the girl who from a very young age had the deepest gut feeling that something was terribly wrong with her ME: The girl who was TOO MUCH Me: The girl who never felt seen ME: the drug addict ME: The out of control RAGE Me: The Shame ME: crazy ME: not okay, not okay, never okay.

Luckily (before I got sick) I had already been in the process of doing deep emotional/trauma recovery work and letting go of the many aspects of myself that I so desperately clung to. Maybe that made for a little bit of a softer blow, as one by one, so many of the things I thought made up ‘who I am’, so many of the things I loved to do- all my passions- were slowly stripped away.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say illness is not an easy teacher, and chronic invisible illness reaches something on a whole other level. In all honesty I truly believe that people enduring these illnesses are a special breed, and the gifts gleamed from the (what I believe to be) hardest imaginable lessons are as equally precious as they are gruesome. Sometimes I wonder, why the hell do my lessons have to be SO EXTREME!? Is there any other way I can learn to connect to the deepest part of myself? Is there another way to shed the parts of me that are not serving my highest good? Another way to be humbled to the bones? Another way to gain profound insight and compassion? Another way to SLOW DOWN, learn to love and take care of myself with all of my being?

Is there any other way for radical or continual growth without having to be in a crisis situation!?

I certainly hope so, and by golly I am holding onto the possibility that I no longer need to be in crisis situations to experience and know what is REALLY important in life. I am holding the possibility that all patterns and themes that seem to pop up in our lives OVER and OVER again can absolutely be worked with and even disintegrated. I am holding the possibility that I can transfer all of this ‘growth through crisis’ karma or whateverthehell it is into helping others and continue to grow while living a peaceful, simple life.

Yes, I may have lost the ability to do a lot of the things I loved.. I may have to live a pretty radical isolated lifestyle (hopefully just temporarily).. I may never be as quick or as gifted as I once was… and sometimes (often) I can’t believe the horrendous state of my health and the fact that I have to go through this without the support of medical professionals or family.. Some days this absolutely boggles my mind, and some days I feel a rage and sadness so deep building up inside of me… and I have no clue how to see a silver lining, or how I could possibly express this without my physical body collapsing.

AND, with all of this being true:

If I had a choice to live the life I was living, without ever getting sick… or live the life I have now with all its challenges and gifts.. I would, without any hesitation, not change a thing.

Because of this experience: I love myself on a level that I could not have fathomed was possible. I am learning how to work with a lifetime (even before I was sick) pattern of fear that completely ruled my entire life. I get the opportunity to know myself far beyond hobbies, habits and potentials. I get to experience a very special and deep kind of compassion that only comes from extreme hardship of living with chronic illness. I am learning to trust in people and in the universe in a way I never thought was possible. I am learning to trust myself, my strength, my voice, my capabilities, my power and my ability to heal myself and help others. I am learning to walk through the storm while keeping my center, which may just be the most valuable lesson for all of human kind.

Since leaving my house and all my possessions to move outside and attempt mold avoidance.. I have been met with nothing other than radical love, compassion and support. Even if I do not get better at all on a physical level from engaging in such extreme pursuits.. the love and support I have received (and continue to receive) on this journey is worth more than anything I could put a value on. The lesson I continue to learn throughout all of this: PEOPLE ARE GOOD!!!! And even though support may not be coming in all the ways I want, and from all the people I want if from… it is coming, it keeps coming, and I am incredibly grateful. Every one of you who reads my blog is supporting me in a way that you can’t imagine.. Every one of you who reaches out, messages me or comments about what I am writing, touches my heart in ways I cannot express.

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I could not do this without you.

With love,

Kelly

llbeanad Livin the dream 🙂

Hope without a reference (For Heather, my love)

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blissAlmost two weeks ago today, at 9pm PST I was dancing in the desert alone with my headphones on. I was looking up at the sky and experiencing (possibly) one of the most blissful moments of my entire life. Towards the end of the song a recording of someone’s voice came in, they were talking about death and about how this was the last moment on earth…. I felt very surprised by this, and immediately tried to reframe what this voice meant by “death”. I kept dancing but was a bit shocked at this recording in the song (it felt inherently ‘wrong’ in regards to what I was experiencing). I had not danced in months, and I still do not know what propelled me to do so on this night, at this moment, but it happened.

It came to my attention on Monday morning, that this blissful dance occurred just moments before my very recent ex-girlfriend, love and very good friend Heather Askeland decided to end her life and walked in front of a train.

 

I couldn’t possibly cover even 1/100th of everything that the suicide of one of the closest people in my life brings up. I have written many times in my previous blogs about ‘losing everything’ and hadn’t even considered something of this magnitude happening, I had certainly not lost everything…. Not even close.

 

As a disclaimer, this blog is not going to be about who Heather was, our relationship, how Lyme disease took her life, or the details and the why’s of what happened. I could write an entire book about the complex situation that lead up to her death, but that is not what I want to focus on. I think for now, it is enough to say that I love Heather more than I could ever express, and I continue to love her more everyday. For those of you who knew her, you might have gotten a taste of what a special person she was (which no earthly form of expression could possibly capture). I honestly am choosing not to write about ‘who she is/was’ because I feel it would be a dis-service to her and myself… there is NO WAY I could ever capture the incredible beauty and brilliance that she held, and I would never be satisfied with trying to express such a thing in words. All that is left of her is love, I feel NOTHING but love, all I remember is love, I don’t know that I have ever felt this kind of love for anything or anyone…. I am deeply saddened that it took ‘death’ for me to access this kind of love, but I am grateful, open, and willing to embrace and share this love.

 

News this shocking can not be digested in one sitting, or perhaps in even years of sittings. My body/mind is well aware that I would be swallowed up whole if I were to comprehend the gravity of this entirely, and therefore it reveals itself in sizable bits (that do push me beyond what I feel capable of holding, but so far I have not burst to the point beyond repair). These moments strike and shock to the bone like lightning. I am trusting my process in grieving, because I have to.. there is no other way of going about it, it is something of its own entity… and I will allow it to unfold as it does.

 

Today I want to touch on some of the faces of the perspectives making a home in me since I received the news of Heather’s death.

 

DISCLAIMER: Some of this is quite grim, and I hesitate to share some of these outlooks.. but so far my honesty has been received with nothing but gratitude, so here goes…

 

I am still going back and forth between the perspectives I am holding about my situation, and for some reason I feel the need to share the side of me that feels somewhat whiney, victim’ish and quite dark.. and you know what, I’m not going to apologize!

I dedicated the last four years of my life doing an intensive apprenticeship in a women’s empowerment/transformational recovery program, I understand the importance of coming from an empowered place… I understand the importance of positive thinking and creating your own reality… I understand the archetype of the victim and the patterns that underlie reasons why some people never get the support they want or need… but I also understand that sometimes, no matter what angle you are coming from, LIFE IS FUCKING HARD, and being chronically ill is one of the most difficult things I believe a human being can endure. I find it quite difficult to take advice or wisdom about manifestation, healing, and the power of love and positivity on illness from people who have never experienced what it is like to live with a chronic, debilitating, invisible illness. To me, this places blame on people who are unable to make a physical recovery, inferring that on an emotional/spiritual level they are not doing something right. Sometimes people are actually victims, and whatever role they played in that is for them to find out for themselves. Maybe it’s okay to be angry! Maybe we create reasons and make ourselves responsible for the shitty things that happen to us because it is too hard to comprehend that shitty things may happen to people for no apparent reason. And Maybe, just maybe (even though it doesn’t usually help) its okay to come from the place of the victim, because sometimes, things just happen, and sometimes lemons aren’t meant to be lemonade. (I don’t suggest staying in this state for a long time as it has not proved productive in the long run, but my god… we all deserve a little expression from time to time in saying ‘fuck this, why is this happening!?’)

From one angle:

Yes I am homeless, yes I am sick, yes I have to be physically separated from friends and family while I try and regain some fraction of health, while simultaneously grieving the loss of one of the closest people I have ever had, yes I have some whack ass sci-fi disease that is keeping me from living any semblance of a normal life (nor do I and everyone else with this illness get the recognition from any institution including most families that should be assisting and housing people who are too sick to work or take care of themselves), yes I am scared shitless about how I am going to afford to stay alive, let alone get any kind of decent medical treatment, yes I don’t feel safe or even relatively healthy anywhere, yes I have to sleep outside, yes I am scared to go inside anywhere and it makes me feel INSANE, yes it is sometimes hard for me to walk, my whole body hurts, I’m EXHAUSTED and at times I can literally feel something physically terrifying buzzing in my brain, yes I have had to let go of almost everything I once loved to do and I often wonder if I will ever be able to do those things again, AND YES, one of my soul-mates just walked in front of a fucking train because NO ONE could offer her enough love, money or reprieve.

TRUTH: I COULD NOT take care of or save her.. TRUTH: I tried and tried and tried to take away her sickness and terror until it made me physically sick and I had to say ‘I AM SO FUCKING SORRY HEATHER, I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE’, TRUTH: I had to choose saving my own life over getting sicker and being pulled into an abyss that I felt impossible to pull me or her out of, TRUTH: sometimes for brief moments when I am feeling so defeated and sick with no way out… I completely understand her choice, and I pray that my thoughts of CHOOSING to join her will vanish forever.

 

From another angle (which luckily is the perspective I hold more often than the one I just described):

How incredibly lucky am I to have found place after place with people offering me a spot to stay on their land, shower with their hoses, hang my clothes on their trees, pee in their yard, feed me dinner, and offer nothing but love and compassion for my situation and needs??? I have gotten the opportunity to travel across the country through the most beautiful lands and be with myself in a way that would have never been possible had I never left everything behind in pursuit of attaining wellness. Never would I have known the strength and capability I have to survive and walk through the darkest and most desperate states of my being, had I not been alone in this, with no option of being rescued. The re-emergence of my spirit that came right before I decided to take my own life was absolutely, no doubt, A MIRACLE that will propel me forward for the rest of my life.

I have been so incredibly blessed with support from all sorts of friends and family afar. The Lyme community, the Mold community, the MCS/CFS/Biotoxin/etc communites.. all of them are rallying around me in some internet/phone/ether/invisible but here dimension, like a team of cheerleaders… for ME!

YES, I will keep going, YES, I will keep going, Yes, I will keep going, and I will not stop (ever) pursuing more acceptance and peace within myself so that I may be able to live in whatever circumstances come my way.

I WILL NOT LET THIS DIS-EASE (or the ptsd caused by it) TAKE MY LIFE OR WILL TO LIVE AWAY FROM ME. I CAN NO LONGER LET SUICIDE BE LINGERING THERE AS AN OPTION FOR ME, AS IT HAS FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER…

I will not let Heather’s death be the catalyst of some domino effect of illness and destruction; Instead I will use the love I have for her to propel me forward, to create a ripple effect of support, wellness and strength throughout all the lives of the people whom she touched. I KNOW that Heather would never want anyone to ever give up hope of attaining some kind of internal peace….and for her and for myself I commit to doing whatever it takes to not only keep pursuing that for myself, but to help others on their journey in doing so.

I am most certain that Heather would want nothing but health, trust and perseverance for anyone and everyone who deals with these chronic illness’s.

 

It is becoming more and more clear that all I want in this life is to do what I love: Help others, express my creativity, continually be inspired, and also share and receive the abundant love that is all around, (and have the energy and wherewithal to support myself in doing these things…why this is so difficult to attain, I have no idea!? But onward I go)

 

So now, not only for myself… but in THE MOST LOVING memory of my dear friend, soul-mate and love, Heather Askeland, I promise to give EVERYTHING I HAVE to fulfill my purpose on this earth and to never give up no matter how desperate and hopeless life can seem (I hope that all of her loved ones will do the same).

I will love you and miss you till I am no longer. Your life has touched my life and so many countless lives in ways that I hope you now can see. You will be in my heart forever as I am sure you know this… I talk to you out loud all through the day, every day (one of the benefits of being out in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE) as if you are now some sort of God. I promise to use only the love that comes from your life and your death. My heart has been broken, wide open..and for you, my love…. I will dance.

 

With love,

 

Kelly

 

Greater than the SUM

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I have been hesitant to write for a couple of reasons over the past few days:

One being- My ‘oh so optimistic outlook’ has been quite diminished on somewhat of a daily basis, and there is a part of me that really wanted to believe (and also show the world) that it is possible to ‘thrive’ at all times through this situation. And I certainly didn’t want to put out a blog about waking up every morning feeling like I can’t go on like this, so I waited for my perspective to shift, or rather, for another one to come take up space along side the exhausted and scared ‘me’. So I am here now with at least 7 co-existing perspectives on my situation. I will touch on a few.

Reason two being- BRAIN FOG IS REAL (and quite the confidence vampire)

 

And now onto The worlds within Kelly– (I am not fully attached to any of these perspectives, they are all parts of varying sizes, depths and shapes, and each contribute to the ever-shifting whole of who I am)

It is astonishing to me that one person could possibly hold so many diametrically opposing perspectives all at the same time, but it’s happening… so here goes…

 

Perspective 1: The Spiritual Warrior (alternatively: The fierce Peacemaker) 36-72%

In all honesty, I am having moments pretty much DAILY where I am so incredibly grateful for my life and what is happening that it often brings me to tears. There is NO OTHER WAY I could have ever (so easily) accessed the opportunity to rapidly transform my entire being without having lost what I thought was ‘everything’. I often think about my life as it was, sitting at home with all my comforts (bed, kitchen, bathroom, walls, girlfriend, clothes that I liked, boots, gadgets, treatment apparatuses, friends around the corner, musical instruments, books, coffee shops, family, etc) while simultaneously being so uncomfortable and so unknowingly ungrateful for everything I did have. And I realize now, that I never would have become the person I am becoming by living the life that I was living, and I don’t know that I ever would have healed the way I am healing now had I not been (what felt like) ripped out of the environment I was so unconsciously immersed in. Every day I am having an awakening that may have taken years of digging in the safety of my old bubble I was living in to get to, and though this may not be comfortable (in fact it can be and often is extremely uncomfortable), it is worth well beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I don’t by any means think anyone would or should ever ‘choose’ this (especially while still sick), but my god.. the depth of my misery and terror is finally being matched (and even out-done) by the amount of gut-wrenching beauty and gratitude I am now experiencing on a regular basis. I feel like I am choosing and simultaneously being forced to know myself, love myself and come into the power of myself in a way that feels like— I have been waiting my entire life, for this.

And that my friends, is the feeling of FATE. (for those of you athiest’s or skeptics, please do not discount my intelligence… I would have never believed these words would be coming out of my mouth, but I am happy to now be open to the many and infinite truths I am now allowing myself to be open to)

An additional benefit to my current situation: Once I move through this, I will be so incredibly grateful for every night that I get to cook and make chocolates in my kitchen, for every building I can walk into without feeling sick, for every hot shower I take in a bathroom, for every person I cuddle with without the fear of being ‘contaminated’ and for every night I fall asleep in a comfortable bed, warm, with four protective walls around me. I never knew all the things that for MY WHOLE LIFE I have taken for granted… I now have the opportunity to see everything as a gift.

 

Perspective 2: VICTIM 8-22 (sometimes a 71!)%

(This is extremely hard for me to admit that I hold these particular feelings, thoughts and perspective, but it is my hope that by sharing this, I can shift out of this perspective and let it go, while also comforting others who might have shame around having these feelings)

I notice that when I start to feel the extremes of my physical challenges (on a daily basis) that hinder me from being able to experience anything ‘enjoyable’ or from taking basic care of myself (waking up with excruciating headaches, insomnia, feeling too weak to walk, widespread pain through out my whole body, heart pounding so slow I am scared its going to stop, cognitive difficulties, depression that is NOT from circumstance, internal vibrating and anxiety that is coming from what feels like the cores of my cells) I start to slip fast into the realm of the victim (which is not helpful to me on any level). It is so frustrating to feel like my physiology is OVERPOWERING my spirit, strength and heart, ten fold. How does one not lose momentum when the body is shutting down? When my mood and mind does not feel like my own? This is the question I am sometimes living 2-20 hours of the day. This is the question I am sure most if not all you struggling with this are also living, every day. Feeling like I am trapped in the body of a 90 year old woman on top of not being able to go inside, see my family or friends and having nowhere to rest comfortably outside is quite difficult. I have been feeling the loneliness creep in like someone is haunting me and I get this sudden panic about my life, the isolation and the reality of my situation. Feeling like I don’t have enough money to fix any of this really puts me into EXTREME victim-society hating-family blaming-fuck the world for not believing-woe is me mode. Not being well enough to work in order to treat a dis-ease that is not covered by insurance, nor is recognized by most institutions (families included) is quite the predicament. MONEY and the lack there of is so deeply entrenched into my belief about whether or not I will get well from this, and the feeling like I ‘fucking deserve’ the right to having my basic needs met whether or not I am well enough to support myself (safe housing, new things when my stuff is contaminated, access to treatment, REST, good food, etc) fuels the ugliest parts of my being: RESENTMENT TOWARDS ALL THOSE WHO HAVE THESE THINGS, RESENTMENT TOWARDS MY FAMILY FOR NOT SEEING THIS AS ‘VALID’ ENOUGH TO SPEND MONEY ON AS IF IT WERE A DIFFERENT RECOGNIZABLE ILLNESS, RESENTMENT AT MYSELF FOR BEING A FUCK-UP ANOREXIC SELF ABUSING DRUG ADDICT KID-WEARING MY BODY AND FAMILY DOWN BEFORE I SERIOUSLY NEED THEIR/MY SUPPORT, RESENTMENT AT ALL THOSE WHO TALK SO CASUALLY ABOUT ‘PRIVILEDGE’ AND FAIL TO RECOGNIZE THAT HEALTH IS THE ONLY PRIVILEDGE, RESENTMENT AT MYSELF FOR HAVING ANY OF THESE THOUGHTS! How can I let go of the fact that if this were any other illness, my family, organizations, friends and insurance would be ‘taking care of me’??? And the real question is: How do I let all of this go so that I can come only from an empowered place??? (because I KNOW, that is the ONLY WAY I am ever going to heal)

 

Side note: This is the part of me that seems to be shifting the most (thank god) from my current situation and experience, and I can honestly say that the more I let this part of me go (this trying to prove how sick I am, this trying to make my family and society SEE how real this is, this jumping up and down screaming “I am so fucking sick!”)… the more support and love that freely comes into my life. I believe that I have the right to be angry about some of this, but it is very clear to me the type of energy that springs from complete disempowerment, that is solely focused on getting validation from the ‘outside’ has never gotten me what I ‘need’.  The more I honor and validate MYSELF and let go of everyone else’s perspective… the more I feel seen, and the more I realize that the most important validation I need, comes from myself (though that doesn’t quite fix the logistical problems, it does help a lot of how I experience ‘this’). 

 

Last but not least-

 

Perspective 3: The Empower’ess Adventurist 18-64%

 

Freedom! It is amazing how such a ‘limited’ life situation (or what would seem like one!) can bring on the feeling of freedom like I have never experienced before: Eating with my hands, growing out my armpit hair, being SUPER dirty, laying in the dirt, eating way too much chocolate and bacon, completely giving up being ‘cool’, sleeping in a truck bed under the stars, owning my own truck (from the graciousness of my Dad!) to go where I please (so long as it’s ‘safe’), dancing alone in the desert dusk with headphones, laughing by myself, showering with hoses, peeing in bushes, talking to the gods out loud in the mountains,  slaughtering a chicken, being ALONE and outside 24/7, problem solving like McGuiver to create safe spaces and shade, and in general…feeling like a bad ass. I feel as though I am having the affair of a lifetime. I often fantasized about being homeless when I was a young kid, perhaps some part of me knew there was a freedom that came with it… I didn’t however,  factor in the difficulties it would bring as well… but I am trying to welcome both! Since this journey began, I have been able to stay places I would have never gone and met people I would have never met (first a wildlife sanctuary with a very wise older man who taught me about the medicine wheel, tarantula wasps, sacred geometry and bees…. and now I am in the high desert on a goat and chicken farm where I had the opportunity (and took it!) to kill my own meat, where I am also being fed like a queen and all with a couple who completely sympathizes and understands the situation I am in). Waking up with the sun rising, and savoring every evening when the air cools off just enough to completely relax and come out of the shade (which there is very little of in the desert!) feels like a small bit of magic, every night. I have never in my life been so aware of the patterns and cycles in nature (or so grateful for an afternoon cloud!) and I am awakening to the importance of my connection to, and with it. It’s no small feat that just a month ago I was ready to end my life, viewing the same situation I am in now as “the most horrific situation imaginable: homeless, sick, unable to go inside, unable to get physical help or comfort from others, forced to give up everything I own, being in survival mode with no reserves, etc” to feeling like I honestly wouldn’t give up this experience for ANYTHING….

That ‘’homeless, sick and helpless’ view is NOT my perspective any more. I truly with all my heart see this as the most beautiful challenging opportunity that I have uniquely and specifically called into my life (sometimes I curse at my seriously extreme unconscious manifesting skills) so that I may truly come into and live my ‘purpose’ in this world… Whatever that may be.

 

THANK YOU for reading. Your support is such a huge part of my strength right now, and is sometimes the very thing that pulls me through when I feel like I ‘can’t’ do this any longer. I hope that by sharing my experience I am helping someone along their way… whatever that may be.

 

Love to you all,

 

Kelly

 

special mountain placemy special mountain place

found some shadefound some shade!

“Walk, and by walking, make your way”

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desert road

 

“….because stars are only born out of chaos” OSHO

 

Back in the day, when intellect was my strong suit, I went through a 5 year long obsession with mathematical philosophy (and chess), I actually claimed mathematics was my ‘religion/spiritual path’ because it made sense to me on a deeper level than anything else ever had. Now, not only do I not remember the things I have read or was interested in, but my brain can not even come close to wrapping itself around the concepts that I once so easily grasped (let alone do basic arithmetic, as mold and Lyme really seem to take a toll on that part of the brain). I do however still resonate and ponder over the one mathematical mystery that for some time consumed my being: PRIME NUMBERS.

To me, prime numbers represent the key that would unlock ‘the’ mystery of the universe, hence the reason no one has ever unlocked it (although I swear I came close). Prime numbers have no pattern and are born out of nothing (hence the word “prime”, primal). All other numbers break down into other numbers and patterns, and so are therefore (in my mind, metaphorically) based on previous experiences.

You might be wondering… why the hell is this girl talking about math on a blog about being homeless, sick and avoiding mold?

Well, to me, the idea that prime numbers exist and keep coming up on the number line means that there are pathways and possibilities beyond what we could ever fathom, and that NO ONE can ever say or know ANYTHING for sure about what our limits are (especially around what is going on in someone’s body, or what they need to do to heal dis-ease).

This is just ONE perspective I hold and am trying to grow, because a large part of me is very fixated on data, proof, and others experiences… which at this juncture has yet to get me well)

 

“Truth is simple, one way is enough. Love is one; laws are millions. Freedom is one; prisons are many” OSHO

 

I am playing with the idea that MAYBE my healing does not have to look anything like the way others have healed. MAYBE I can carve a new energetic imprint in the world that no one believed possible? MAYBE I am creating a new path so that others will have more options. (maybe this is grandiose?) MAYBE.

 

With that said, there is still the reality of things:

 

 

Yesterday I felt sicker than I have felt since I can remember (the kind of sick that came on when I first got very ill with Lyme, the kind of sick that feels like you’re already dead). I am not going to lie or sugar coat, its fucking scary, and no matter how much I am shifting internally and am coming to peace within myself, being sick, alone, with no place to go while attempting mold avoidance in the rain is a rough place to be! I was sweating profusely in my car, uncomfortable and afraid of toxins absorbing in my seat, and all I wanted was to just lie down (all the available things to lie down on are potentially contaminated, as insane as that sounds, I had a reaction every time I sat on a particular chair here). I walked out into the desert where I found a relatively smooth area of dirt and laid on the ground while ants crawled on me and it rained. I cried and prayed for the earth, or god (great spirit, oneness, Jesus, angels, Sai Maa, guides, anyone/anything!) to heal my body. My heart was pounding very slowly and I was experiencing this particular symptom where I crash so hard it feels like I am losing consciousness (a very similar feeling to taking too many narcotics). I tried to imagine the earths healing energy encompassing my body as I drifted in and out of sleep/comatose state. I was in so much pain and so weak I could hardly walk, and while lying there in the dirt I started seriously questioning…WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING OUT HERE? WHO DO I THINK I AM TRYING TO HEAL MYSELF?! I’M REALLY FUCKING SICK. GIVE UP ALREADY.

 

And then came the inevitable pattern (that never gets me anywhere):

 

When I start feeling really sick, I immediately try and ‘figure out’ what the hell is going on (am I being constantly exposed to toxins or mold? Is my stuff contaminated? Is my Lyme relapsing? Is this Babesia? Bartonella? Have my adrenals failed?  Do I have POTS? Am I not absorbing my Thyroid medication? Parasites? Herxing? Dying?! AHHHHH!) I start going through all my supplements, going over old treatments I’ve done, down a bunch of herbs, search for practitioners, think of ways to get money, raise money, on and on and on. I start reaching out frantically to people who have such ‘knowledge’ about these things, which only results in an abundance of completely different answers and theories about what is going on, and what I need to do to fix it.

SIDE NOTE -Some mind boggling bullet points which explain why reaching out in this situation can be VERY complicated:

–       Anyone who has gotten better from this/these illness(s) has done something different then the other person who has gotten better (there are some definite patterns with success, but EVERYONE is different)

–       People seem to look through the lens of whatever they themselves have dealt with or are dealing with (me included!) and project that onto the other person: its Lyme! its mold! its co-infections! It’s energetic! its chemicals! its your gut! Its trauma! It’s EMF’s! (maybe it is, and maybe it ISN’T!)

–       These illnesses are completely fear driven (understandably so, how could they not be!?), and fear needs company so we all spin out together

–       We all want to connect with people who understand what this is like but how does one come into balance by connecting with ‘like’ others without catching the fear of the masses and spreading it?

–       This so called ‘knowledge’ can be a double edged sword

–       Whatever we focus on GROWS.

–       Last but not least, we are all all GREAT manifesters, so my experience becomes yours, and vice versa

 

What I really want to know is: HOW CAN THIS COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE (with these chronic illnesses) RISE UP AND OUT OF THIS PARADIGM SO LARGELY BOUND BY FEAR? HOW CAN WE OPEN UP SPACE FOR THE ‘UNKNOWN’ AND TRUST? HOW DO WE DO THIS FOR OURSELVES, AND HOW CAN WE DO IT AS A COMMUNITY???

 

I am fully aware of my participation in everything I just talked about, and I am working very hard on finding that line of getting and giving support in a way that is not fueled by (or fueling) FEAR.  I also want to state that I am incredibly grateful for the Lyme/CFS/MCS/Invisible Illness/Mold community and I don’t know what I would do if I had to go at this alone (we absolutely need to support each other).  Don’t get me wrong…I do not in any way want to discount how crucial it has been (and still is) for me to connect with other people who are going through similar struggles, there is a tremendous amount of knowledge, love and experience that has contributed to me making great strides in my physical and emotional progress (and continues to help me do so).  I simply want to point out some areas that can be problematic for ME, and speak to some patterns that I see as not contributing to ME and my over all wellness.  I have certainly benefited from information around what protocols people did, what supplements they used, what doctor they saw and what their thoughts are around what may be going on with me, but, I must say: The only support that has been helpful for me ‘across the board’ has been insight and wisdom shared around how to let go, how to cultivate self love, how to accept, and how to empower oneself in the midst of this challenging path.  

This is an important realization for me, as I tend to (and I believe others do as well) focus my energy on trying to only get support and help in the realm of ‘information’ on how to fix my physical ‘symptoms’, while failing to look at how I might simply ‘improve my experience of my experience’ (and that ‘that’ may be one of the keys to wellness!). I still will be seeking advice and guidance in the informational realm from people who have gotten well (and from people who are still working at it), but more importantly I am learning how to trust my inner compass so that I may create my own path, because this is no one else’s journey, and I just might be a prime number!   (I wont lie, I am fascinated and drawn to the mad-scientist/witchy/sci-fi treatment options, and I don’t see myself backing away from those any time soon ;))

 

With that said… you may not want to be taking advice or listening to ‘wisdom’ or insights from someone (me) who is still very sick physically, but I am holding the possibility that I am going to get well and that all this internal shifting is going to be what propels my physical body into wellness.

 

A brief update:

I will be leaving for a new location in a few days (I have to wait for a package) because something is definitely making me ill in this location… I could hypothesize, but I don’t want to go there. I could use all the support I can get, and still have no idea where I will end up, or where I am going. I am looking for a place to camp (or a mold free indoor space!) with clean air and tolerable weather… somewhere not to far from a health food store where I could set up a mini fridge outside. Please don’t hesitate to contact me with any ideas.

 

Much love and gratitude,

 

Kelly daytrip

 

“Don’t move the way fear makes you move” Rumi 

the next generation Buddha(s)

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I realized today that for my sanity I must keep writing, even when I feel embarrassed and ashamed because (at times) I feel like I have lost most of my quickness and intelligence amongst my ever pervasive brain fog. I also want to acknowledge that I know my grammar is far from correct, I have let it go, I hope you will as well.                                                                                                            I realized that for the sake of being ‘okay’ I must learn to cultivate a state of a somewhat detached experience of my experience, in order to not get swallowed up WHOLE. So again, thank you for reading, this is giving me some purpose!

 

It is day two of my Journey To God Knows Where… I am currently staying on a little farm in Pinon Hills (high desert area 2 hours outside of San Diego) with an extremely nice older couple (old-school hearty and kind, organic animal farmers) who reached out in response to my post of needing somewhere to camp (PEOPLE ARE GOOD). The woman who lives here has had mold/chemical exposure which has resulted in severe chemical sensitivity and some other serious health problems (that’s what we do, we help each other out!). She and her amazingly adorable and sweet husband have been incredibly accommodating (letting me stay on their land, shower with a hose, store my food in outside fridge, swim in their pool and go to bathroom outside) and they also fed me the MOST AMAZING BACON and eggs I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE from animals they have raised themselves. I will probably stay here for four or five days to regroup and plan for my next step.

I feel a pull to go to Montana, but I really have no idea where I will be going next or where I will stay (so stay tuned to find out!). It is my hope that somewhere along this trip I will find a place where I can sleep at night and hang out in the day without having some seriously disturbing symptoms  (symptoms outside of the chronic ones) that have been different in each location (hence my reasoning for being on the search for a non-reactive, or less-reactive location).

Day two of my journey away from SD, and the universe has already supplied a wonderful ‘challenge’ for me to learn from.

After starting to believe I was going a little ‘overboard’ with this whole avoidance thing, I wanted to be polite, and let loose (meaning I went inside upon meeting this couple and stayed inside and chatted for about 15 minutes, I have not been inside of a house longer than 3 mins in over a month)! I could tell immediately that this house was problematic, but I tried shushing my inside panic and kept talking it up.

About 10 minutes after leaving this house and crawling into my truck bed to go to sleep, the symptoms came on like I had just been dropped dead center into a bad acid trip. I suddenly got very sleepy in a way that is terrifying and feels like I am losing consciousness, my heart started pounding, my consciousness shifted dramatically and I felt like my brain was blowing up like a balloon inside of my head. I immediately tried to utilize every single tool I have learned to deal with this:

Tapping (faster EFT),  A LOT of activated charcoal and chlorella, PRAY HARD, talk to myself saying its going to be okay, I am going to be okay, THIS IS GOING TO PASS, YOU ARE OKAY..Close my eyes and PRAY SOME MORE, Contemplate taking some valium, but my higher self (or my masochist self) objects.  Reframe: THIS IS A LESSON, WHAT AM I GOING TO LEARN FROM THIS?? This is just a lesson.. Learn damnit Learn!

The next morning I woke up with my heart pounding, head hurting, and  my brain in a panic…my symptoms had not subsided.

I have not felt this way in a long time. Even though I was feeling progressively sicker where I was staying in Poway, it was not the acute craziness of a bad exposure to mold. It is moments/mornings like these that are the true challenge of this journey. How does one remain in tact, or become an observer in this kind of situation (where I am physiologically effected in ways that feel like withdrawling from drugs or being poisoned)???

After feeling so strong and confident about my “life experiment” the doubt and insecurity started rushing in FAST.  I felt myself slipping back very quickly into the dark abyss that was my state of being just 3 weeks ago.  “Where am I going to go!? What am I going to do? Its too damn hot in all these possible safe places, how will I keep food cold? How will all my supplements not get ruined? Is all my shit contaminated!? I’m running out of money, I can’t buy new stuff. FUCK. I have no place to go, NO WHERE IS SAFE, my brain isn’t working, my body and head hurt, what the hell is the point of this!?….. on and on and on…”  I get on my iPhone and start trying to plan where to go next, which just furthers this state of panic (do not attempt to figure EVERYTHING OUT when you are spinning out, especially on the internet).  BREATHE KELLY, BREEEEAAATTTHE.

This is the exact state and scenario that I absolutely have to learn to pull myself out of, as quickly as possible, or I will never make it through this. This is the state of being and mindset that is carved deeply into my being, so much so, that the universe (and myself I suppose) have conspired to put me in a situation where it literally feels like it is my life’s purpose to change this pattern or I will die.

BOOM! AND THERE IS THE LESSON FOLKS! LEARN TO SHIFT THIS PATTERN (whatever it is for you) DOWN TO IT’S MOST MINUTE FORM, AND YOU WILL BE FREE.

Exposures put me in this state EVERYTIME (panic, overwhelm, suicidal ideation, dread, mind-spinning-brain-clamping-heart-pounding tripping without drugs, and it all happens so fast and unexpectedly) and it ALWAYS passes…  AND SO IT DID…eventually.

 

Right about now I’m wondering….am I supposed to become some type of Buddha? Is that what this is all about? Are all these people sick with this crazy ass dis-ease experiencing this in order to become the enlightened next generation that gets the human race through its next phase of humanity? MAYBE. Seriously, MAYBE.                                                                                                I do find it very interesting that there are incredible similarities between most of the people who are dealing with these types of ‘dis-eases’ and I believe it warrants research and some serious spiritual pondering (and will certainly be a topic on an upcoming post).

It takes one serious warrior spirit in order to live with what feels like some sci-fi futuristic illness/toxin/entity (be it Lyme, co-infections, biotoxins, chemicals, autoimmune illnesses, etc) trying to take over your mind and body (for those of you are dealing with this, you know exactly what I mean)….. and if you want any semblance of an internally peaceful life, you must learn the art of ‘being okay’ while everything is ‘not okay’. It is my hope to (dare I say) master this process within myself in order to reclaim the quality of life that I am determined to have (which is ultimately about being at peace with myself and life,  NO MATTER WHAT).  

Skip ahead a day———->

luxury laundry desertfarm

And so it is now Day Three and last night I had the first sleep in 3 1/2 weeks where I did not wake up with the usual set of reaction like symptoms (location effect: real). I was, for lack of better words..ECSTATIC (I do believe the dryness is helping me).  The people I am staying with have made me amazing meals three times now, which I am incredibly grateful for!  I am also gaining a deep appreciation for this high desert climate, scenery and lifestyle.. and I used to be a desert hater! Today I went swimming, drove up to the mountains to write, took a shower with a hose, hand washed my clothes in a chicken cleaning station, and went to the bathroom in a bucket (it was quite an eventful day)!  I became quite symptomatic as the day progressed, and I won’t even pretend to know why or what it is from (sometimes its better to just let it go)… but I have had many peaceful moments today, and in all honesty.. I feel sick, I’m homeless and tired, and I would not change a thing.

(thank you for reading, I have decided to split up my original post into two separate posts… so if you want read on about my experience with ‘Faster EFT’ and my insights into working on both the physical and non physical realms, please read on)

 

With love and gratitude,

 

Kelly