I have been hesitant to write for a couple of reasons over the past few days:
One being- My ‘oh so optimistic outlook’ has been quite diminished on somewhat of a daily basis, and there is a part of me that really wanted to believe (and also show the world) that it is possible to ‘thrive’ at all times through this situation. And I certainly didn’t want to put out a blog about waking up every morning feeling like I can’t go on like this, so I waited for my perspective to shift, or rather, for another one to come take up space along side the exhausted and scared ‘me’. So I am here now with at least 7 co-existing perspectives on my situation. I will touch on a few.
Reason two being- BRAIN FOG IS REAL (and quite the confidence vampire)
And now onto The worlds within Kelly– (I am not fully attached to any of these perspectives, they are all parts of varying sizes, depths and shapes, and each contribute to the ever-shifting whole of who I am)
It is astonishing to me that one person could possibly hold so many diametrically opposing perspectives all at the same time, but it’s happening… so here goes…
Perspective 1: The Spiritual Warrior (alternatively: The fierce Peacemaker) 36-72%
In all honesty, I am having moments pretty much DAILY where I am so incredibly grateful for my life and what is happening that it often brings me to tears. There is NO OTHER WAY I could have ever (so easily) accessed the opportunity to rapidly transform my entire being without having lost what I thought was ‘everything’. I often think about my life as it was, sitting at home with all my comforts (bed, kitchen, bathroom, walls, girlfriend, clothes that I liked, boots, gadgets, treatment apparatuses, friends around the corner, musical instruments, books, coffee shops, family, etc) while simultaneously being so uncomfortable and so unknowingly ungrateful for everything I did have. And I realize now, that I never would have become the person I am becoming by living the life that I was living, and I don’t know that I ever would have healed the way I am healing now had I not been (what felt like) ripped out of the environment I was so unconsciously immersed in. Every day I am having an awakening that may have taken years of digging in the safety of my old bubble I was living in to get to, and though this may not be comfortable (in fact it can be and often is extremely uncomfortable), it is worth well beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I don’t by any means think anyone would or should ever ‘choose’ this (especially while still sick), but my god.. the depth of my misery and terror is finally being matched (and even out-done) by the amount of gut-wrenching beauty and gratitude I am now experiencing on a regular basis. I feel like I am choosing and simultaneously being forced to know myself, love myself and come into the power of myself in a way that feels like— I have been waiting my entire life, for this.
And that my friends, is the feeling of FATE. (for those of you athiest’s or skeptics, please do not discount my intelligence… I would have never believed these words would be coming out of my mouth, but I am happy to now be open to the many and infinite truths I am now allowing myself to be open to)
An additional benefit to my current situation: Once I move through this, I will be so incredibly grateful for every night that I get to cook and make chocolates in my kitchen, for every building I can walk into without feeling sick, for every hot shower I take in a bathroom, for every person I cuddle with without the fear of being ‘contaminated’ and for every night I fall asleep in a comfortable bed, warm, with four protective walls around me. I never knew all the things that for MY WHOLE LIFE I have taken for granted… I now have the opportunity to see everything as a gift.
Perspective 2: VICTIM 8-22 (sometimes a 71!)%
(This is extremely hard for me to admit that I hold these particular feelings, thoughts and perspective, but it is my hope that by sharing this, I can shift out of this perspective and let it go, while also comforting others who might have shame around having these feelings)
I notice that when I start to feel the extremes of my physical challenges (on a daily basis) that hinder me from being able to experience anything ‘enjoyable’ or from taking basic care of myself (waking up with excruciating headaches, insomnia, feeling too weak to walk, widespread pain through out my whole body, heart pounding so slow I am scared its going to stop, cognitive difficulties, depression that is NOT from circumstance, internal vibrating and anxiety that is coming from what feels like the cores of my cells) I start to slip fast into the realm of the victim (which is not helpful to me on any level). It is so frustrating to feel like my physiology is OVERPOWERING my spirit, strength and heart, ten fold. How does one not lose momentum when the body is shutting down? When my mood and mind does not feel like my own? This is the question I am sometimes living 2-20 hours of the day. This is the question I am sure most if not all you struggling with this are also living, every day. Feeling like I am trapped in the body of a 90 year old woman on top of not being able to go inside, see my family or friends and having nowhere to rest comfortably outside is quite difficult. I have been feeling the loneliness creep in like someone is haunting me and I get this sudden panic about my life, the isolation and the reality of my situation. Feeling like I don’t have enough money to fix any of this really puts me into EXTREME victim-society hating-family blaming-fuck the world for not believing-woe is me mode. Not being well enough to work in order to treat a dis-ease that is not covered by insurance, nor is recognized by most institutions (families included) is quite the predicament. MONEY and the lack there of is so deeply entrenched into my belief about whether or not I will get well from this, and the feeling like I ‘fucking deserve’ the right to having my basic needs met whether or not I am well enough to support myself (safe housing, new things when my stuff is contaminated, access to treatment, REST, good food, etc) fuels the ugliest parts of my being: RESENTMENT TOWARDS ALL THOSE WHO HAVE THESE THINGS, RESENTMENT TOWARDS MY FAMILY FOR NOT SEEING THIS AS ‘VALID’ ENOUGH TO SPEND MONEY ON AS IF IT WERE A DIFFERENT RECOGNIZABLE ILLNESS, RESENTMENT AT MYSELF FOR BEING A FUCK-UP ANOREXIC SELF ABUSING DRUG ADDICT KID-WEARING MY BODY AND FAMILY DOWN BEFORE I SERIOUSLY NEED THEIR/MY SUPPORT, RESENTMENT AT ALL THOSE WHO TALK SO CASUALLY ABOUT ‘PRIVILEDGE’ AND FAIL TO RECOGNIZE THAT HEALTH IS THE ONLY PRIVILEDGE, RESENTMENT AT MYSELF FOR HAVING ANY OF THESE THOUGHTS! How can I let go of the fact that if this were any other illness, my family, organizations, friends and insurance would be ‘taking care of me’??? And the real question is: How do I let all of this go so that I can come only from an empowered place??? (because I KNOW, that is the ONLY WAY I am ever going to heal)
Side note: This is the part of me that seems to be shifting the most (thank god) from my current situation and experience, and I can honestly say that the more I let this part of me go (this trying to prove how sick I am, this trying to make my family and society SEE how real this is, this jumping up and down screaming “I am so fucking sick!”)… the more support and love that freely comes into my life. I believe that I have the right to be angry about some of this, but it is very clear to me the type of energy that springs from complete disempowerment, that is solely focused on getting validation from the ‘outside’ has never gotten me what I ‘need’. The more I honor and validate MYSELF and let go of everyone else’s perspective… the more I feel seen, and the more I realize that the most important validation I need, comes from myself (though that doesn’t quite fix the logistical problems, it does help a lot of how I experience ‘this’).
Last but not least-
Perspective 3: The Empower’ess Adventurist 18-64%
Freedom! It is amazing how such a ‘limited’ life situation (or what would seem like one!) can bring on the feeling of freedom like I have never experienced before: Eating with my hands, growing out my armpit hair, being SUPER dirty, laying in the dirt, eating way too much chocolate and bacon, completely giving up being ‘cool’, sleeping in a truck bed under the stars, owning my own truck (from the graciousness of my Dad!) to go where I please (so long as it’s ‘safe’), dancing alone in the desert dusk with headphones, laughing by myself, showering with hoses, peeing in bushes, talking to the gods out loud in the mountains, slaughtering a chicken, being ALONE and outside 24/7, problem solving like McGuiver to create safe spaces and shade, and in general…feeling like a bad ass. I feel as though I am having the affair of a lifetime. I often fantasized about being homeless when I was a young kid, perhaps some part of me knew there was a freedom that came with it… I didn’t however, factor in the difficulties it would bring as well… but I am trying to welcome both! Since this journey began, I have been able to stay places I would have never gone and met people I would have never met (first a wildlife sanctuary with a very wise older man who taught me about the medicine wheel, tarantula wasps, sacred geometry and bees…. and now I am in the high desert on a goat and chicken farm where I had the opportunity (and took it!) to kill my own meat, where I am also being fed like a queen and all with a couple who completely sympathizes and understands the situation I am in). Waking up with the sun rising, and savoring every evening when the air cools off just enough to completely relax and come out of the shade (which there is very little of in the desert!) feels like a small bit of magic, every night. I have never in my life been so aware of the patterns and cycles in nature (or so grateful for an afternoon cloud!) and I am awakening to the importance of my connection to, and with it. It’s no small feat that just a month ago I was ready to end my life, viewing the same situation I am in now as “the most horrific situation imaginable: homeless, sick, unable to go inside, unable to get physical help or comfort from others, forced to give up everything I own, being in survival mode with no reserves, etc” to feeling like I honestly wouldn’t give up this experience for ANYTHING….
That ‘’homeless, sick and helpless’ view is NOT my perspective any more. I truly with all my heart see this as the most beautiful challenging opportunity that I have uniquely and specifically called into my life (sometimes I curse at my seriously extreme unconscious manifesting skills) so that I may truly come into and live my ‘purpose’ in this world… Whatever that may be.
THANK YOU for reading. Your support is such a huge part of my strength right now, and is sometimes the very thing that pulls me through when I feel like I ‘can’t’ do this any longer. I hope that by sharing my experience I am helping someone along their way… whatever that may be.
Love to you all,